This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
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i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
It’s actually Dr. whatever
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)