sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
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Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My flabber has been gasted.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.