FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
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With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.