JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
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i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.