Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
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Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.