me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
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cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.