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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!