thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
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I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.