He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
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Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
RT if you could go either way.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.