I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
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Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
man i love columbo
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
こいつ天才
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.