[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
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“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
CRYING
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole