The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
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Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.