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barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.