I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
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When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it