Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
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My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?