The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
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I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Cinematography is my passion
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.