I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
LOL
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.