I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
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Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.