I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
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Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one