I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
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Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I love it all
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
just make the entire table out of coaster
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
nobody’s gonna understand