Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Iβm rearranging the neighborsβ Halloween decorations a little each night until theyβre circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
βIβm gonna sleep in tomorrow.β
Every child ever: No youβre not.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course Iβm excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask πFor πHelp π
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. Itβs Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Naw, I donβt have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I donβt understβitβs 2:15, you canβt have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, Iβm threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably wonβt regret this later