Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
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My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Breaking news:
birds and squirrels envy us
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo