losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
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Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.