I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
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That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh