Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
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I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.