MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
You Might Also Like
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.