If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
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I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”