Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
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You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”