can’t bark with your mouth full
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I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window