Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
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Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic