Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
You Might Also Like
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.