I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
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(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.