If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
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[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”