ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.