All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
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[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.