Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
You Might Also Like
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR