*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
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Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
j o i m p
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.