she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg