I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
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I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
the greatest twitter interaction
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me