16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
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Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Here’s a meme
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.