as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
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one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks