i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
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the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I needed a laugh this morning.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
It be like that sometimes 😆
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
i want to work in this restaurant
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.