I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school