rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
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Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.