Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
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[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.