My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
*seductively corrects your posture*
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*