nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.