Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Autocorrect is my menesis
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I’d hang this in my house.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
👾👾👾
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..