Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
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me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
How about daylight saves us for once
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.