why he move like a hotel transylvania character
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message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
🔦🌙👣
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Wednesday
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.